the very lifeblood

… it is a force that binds and inspires one to give of one’s best, to strive for nothing less than what one possibly can.

i have never, ever acknowledged nor accepted that i am a part of this entity, this Rafflesian spirit, and though i wish i could partake of this unity and togetherness, i am unable to.
i find myself unworthy – all my life i’ve only been, at best, mediocre.
also, i suppose part of me is scared that embracing this spirit means to awaken a repressed elitist mindset.

that i cannot be capable of any more than this is something i often grieve – i have the best grades in my entire extended family, the only Rafflesian. i am supposedly the best – the smartest among all my cousins, and yet this is all i am. they all think i am good, and i don’t know what to feel – amusement at their naivete, or sorrow and shame because i know better than that.

i’m barely able to keep myself upright on the train or bus, and my eyes do not remain open – i am too tired. and this is all wrong somehow; i should be able to handle so much more than this – they all can.
why, why not me?

constantly surrounded by people whom i feel i’m not good enough to be friends with – it is torturous.

~

last night in a sudden surge of testicular fortitude i decided to dig my ingrown toenail out all by myself and i’m currently not feeling that great.

forever,

i like the comma; it carries with it a sense of incompletion, as if something was meant to go on and meant to be, and yet never came to pass. it denotes fragmentation, and yet in its preterition there is also invariably continuity.

my life has been so full of commas.

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything. You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life. You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you.Given enough time alone, it’s easy for you to find inner peace. You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life. Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times.At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you. You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others. You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

zzz.

blogging has indeed lost its sheen, for i no longer know what to talk about. i’ve been doing it all my life, for as long as i can remember, and suddenly it is meaningless. nothing seems worth mentioning, worth writing down to remember, nothing worth immortalising – perhaps it is just how unbelievably screwed up these few days have been, because right now, it seems like there isn’t anything left in my life.

your presence still lingers here
and it won’t leave me alone

okay, so my blog isn’t exactly sekrit, lol. hi nat.

i mean it most sincerely when i proclaim “FUCK BIO TUTORIAL”. wtf, total waste of time because i haven’t even mugged the chapter properly and i just copy entire chunks of shit from the notes to answer the tutorial questions. and, with a tutor as nub as ours, the future looks bleak indeed.

should i want anything else?

beyond the ridge to the left
you asked me what i want
between the trees and cicadas
singing round the pond
i spent an hour with you -
should i want anything else?

one grin and wink
like the neon on a liquor store
we were 16, maybe less
maybe a little more
i walked home smiling
i finally had a story to tell

and now in autumn time, lullaby
sing our newborn love to sleep
my brother told me he saw you there
in the woods, morning on christmas eve
waiting

i met my wife at a party
when i drank too much
my son is married
and tells me we don’t talk enough
call it predictable;
yesterday, my dream was of you

beyond the ridge to the west
the sun had left the sky
between the trees and the pond
you put your hand in mine, said
“time has bridled it’s bow,
but i remember you too”

and now in autumn time, lullaby
sing our newborn love to sleep
i dreamed that i traveled and found you there
in the woods, morning on christmas eve
waiting

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“hello world”

no, i don’t actually get this creative with entry titles; that is the title of the default First Post which wordpress provides so, might as well leave it there. zomgah, wordpress damn nice, can. diary-x can stay dead for all i care, hur. everything here is classy and nice and clean and efficient (y) i just hope they don’t MASSIVE DRIVE FAILURE, also.