what happened?

– to the life that i knew, to things i used to remember and the way i used to feel.

i want them back.

is it you or me?

personal
stars

[wanted:]
single f, under 33, must enjoy the sun, must enjoy the sea
sought by single m: mrs. destiny, send photo to address, is it you and me?

[reply to single m:]
my name is caroline, cell phone number here, call if you have the time
28 and bored, grieving over loss
sorry to be heavy but heavy is the cost
heavy is the cost

[reply to caroline:]
thanks so much for response, these things can be scary
not always what you want
how about a drink? the st. jude club at noon?
i’ll phone you first i guess
i hope i see you soon!

i never got your name, i assume you’re thirty-three
your voice, it sounded kind
i hope that you like me
when you see my face, i hope that you don’t laugh
i’m not a film-star beauty
i sent a photograph
i hope that you don’t laugh…

[note to single m:]
why did you not show up?
i waited for an hour and finally gave up
i thought once that i saw you, i thought that you saw me
i guess we’ll never meet now
it wasn’t meant to be
i was sure that you saw me, but it wasn’t meant to be

[wanted:]
single f, under 33, must enjoy the sun, must enjoy the sea
Sought by single m: nothing too heavy, send photo to address
is it you?
or me?

because the night looks like the stars will fall;

sinni flying off this sunday, appropriate people please send your appropriate well-wishes, kthx.

~

i don’t know where to go from here.

自分をいつわれない – i cannot, but it is what i keep doing.

寂しさ紛らすだけなら 誰でもいいはずなのに

being kryptique in another language is a total double whammy because no one knows what you’re blathering about (most of the time).

borrowed two french books from library today because i thought it was time i got down to learning a language properly. i want/need many books but am too poor to afford them ;_; and now i’ll have to burn my weekends giving tuition again for extra income.

i think i might have scabies, itching like hell.

shawn: you should become a dentist next time, and then-
shawn: oh wait you are becoming one
shawn : so anyway
shawn: when your patient is in the chair
shawn: you can tell them gently
shawn: this will only hurt…
shawn: … LIKE THOUSANDS OF FIRE ANTS IN YOUR MOUTH
shawn: RIPPING, TEARING, EVISCERATING YOUR FLESH

いつでも捜しているよ　どっかに君の姿を

交差点でも　夢の中でも

why’d you sing with me at all?

it’s just that it’s delicate;

this is another one of those entries — this day of this month each and every year is always a day for reminiscence, of regret and senseless nostalgia; dimmed by the passing of time, perhaps, but never fully erased.

this, i’d like to think, is the difference of these years: while i have grown and yet have not changed, you have changed but you have not grown.

just another distant memory, now.

life has been mostly just insubstantial. muddling blindly yet routinely through the week, doing the same things over and over again until it ends, and then living for the few hours of freedom – most of the time, it feels like nothing at all. there are good weekends, fantastic weekends, then there are the wasted weekends, but they all share the unfortunate trait of being too short-lived, and everything feels unreal. i don’t know what to feel; maybe there is nothing to feel – but it is so very terrible.

– if it means nothing to you

so when will this end?

sick cycle carousel
lifehouse

if shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine
if it had a home would it be my eyes?
would you believe me if I said I’m tired of this
well here we go now, one more time

’cause i tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I can get down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
you better believe that I tried to beat this

so when will this end? –
it goes on and on
over and over and over again
keep spinning around; I know that it won’t stop
till I step down from this for good

I never thought I’d end up here
never thought I’d be standing where I am
I guess I kind of thought it would be easier than this
I guess I was wrong now one more time

’cause I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I can get down to the ground
and i tried to earn my way
I tried to change this mind
you better believe that I tried to beat this

so when will this end? –
it goes on and on
over and over and over again
keep spinning around; I know that it won’t stop
till I step down from this

sick cycle carousel, this is a sick cycle
sick cycle carousel
this is a sick cycle

so when will this end? –
it goes on and on
over and over and over again
keep spinning around; I know that it won’t stop
till I step down from this for good

seriously?

fuck.

the shit i do to myself, sometimes.