i came home and found a new bright green foolscap pad on my table and was rather puzzled until my mom came in and said “oh i saw this and bought it for you because you like the colour” <3<3

once, all dreams were worth keeping;

i ran into an old friend in camp and back then i suppose we thought of us as ‘best friends’, and i realised how he’d never crossed my mind all these years.

later, i was wondering if you ever thought about me at all, and i felt it was only right that you didn’t, and you shouldn’t.

i don’t know how many others i’ve lost this way — people with whom i’ve had good times, people i forgot to keep thinking about and to miss and remember, to continue to love and instead let affection become a habit, then finally an obligation that eventually faded because i had only time for myself.

so many of them i wish i could feel much more for than i do now, because it’s so empty, so … wrong, even, to reminisce and not be able to call or just text them: an inability stemming from a fear of knowing for sure that i am but from a past too distant to matter anymore and from a reluctance to admit how everything had long gone cold.

the guilt – it haunts me endlessly; perhaps because i let it, because it is at least something to feel.
i’m sorry i forgot.

我记得那年生日

i wonder if the end of all this will really be a good thing: life will move forward, too fast; i’m terrified of change, and i want the things in my life to stay the way they are. it got me thinking, after i saw you today, or perhaps it started the other day, after i spoke to an old friend in a way i didn’t expect to. i don’t want those i have now to someday drift away too far to ever find or to be the way we are now.

it’s been three years, all in the blink of an eye; in the few seconds i allowed myself to stop and think and remember every single thing we’ve shared since six years ago i found it hard to breathe. you refused to acknowledge my existence, and when you left without saying goodbye (all over again) i had to stare very hard at my chemical bonding notes so my students couldn’t see what i was holding back.

life is too short, and by the time we learn to live and to love already so much is gone.

and shout to the silver of the full moon:

the last year has been most unsatisfactory with much credit going to ns, but i will always remember 2007 as a life-changing year.

thank you to everyone i love for everything, for every moment in the past year that i was alive and for every laugh and for each time my heart blossomed with warmth at the simplest things in life; thank you for the things far beyond what i am capable of describing in words (and yes i know this is always such a convenient outlet).

thank you for teaching me how to live, to laugh and to love.
thank you for teaching how to be strong; strong enough for two.
someday when i finally find the one i hope i may be good enough.